Hello! What a jolly sight, eh? A nice slab of pork…shoulder? I’m not really sure. The lady at the market (who looked a little too similar to her products, if you ask me) said they didn’t have any ‘Schulter’ and so I pointed at what looked good.

‘A big juicy bit please, marbled with fat if you can, nice and lean, there’s a good’un!’ I said in my head as something equivalent of ‘large pork now’ came out of my mouth in German.  I then mentally followed an uninterpretable grunt with ‘What’s that you say? I am very sorry I haven’t any truffles, probably shouldn’t have killed your pig if that’s what you’re after!’. At least I assume that was the subject of her enquiry.

As you may have gathered by now I’m not a massive meat eater, this is partly due to a guilty environmental conscience but also down to being a big fat fuss-pot. I drool just as much as anyone else over a duck confit or steak tartare but these are not daily dishes and the point of this blog is to show food that makes your guinea pigs go ‘Wow, I think I’m going to melt’ so that you can then sit back and watch them do so. I know, right? Melting guinea pigs. Mental.

With meat, I like to keep it simple. A Poulet aux Quarante Gousses d’Ail for example, sounds like a nightmare but is little more than your average Sunday roast. The following is another recipe with very few ingredients, three in fact. Two of which are salt and water- so can you guess the last one?

‘But doesn’t it just taste briny?!’ I hear you cry. No! It tastes even better than a Hog Roast at a festival when you’re hungover and convinced that crumbly pigginess is the only thing that can save you. Yes, this is pork carnitas.


1kg pork (shoulder, deboned ribs or similar)

2 tspn table salt

Cold water

Lots of optional extras to suit you (I can recommend the redcurrants)


  1. Chop the pork into cubes about half the size of an Oxo pack, a bit bigger than bite-size.
  2. Place into a large saucepan/cast iron pan (if you have one, you snazzy thing, you) but don’t  make the pork more than one layer deep. You might have to spread the meat over two pans, or at least I did.
  3. Coat the meat in the salt. (So, one teaspoon per pot, if divided equally senoritas)
  4. Only just cover with cold water
  5. Bring to a rolling boil
  6. Turn the heat down. You now have about an hour and a half to wait so…
  7. Have a Corona
  8. Find tall, dark, stranger to teach you tango
  9. Keep an eye on the meat. When all the liquid has evaporated, it will fry in its own loveliness.
  10. Once frying, keep on the heat for a further ten minutes. At this point, I added some black pepper, chilli and some dark brown sugar but they are not essential.
  11. Carnitas is tradtionally your pork meat served in a tortilla with salsa or guacamole etc. I served mine with a red onion, lime and coriander relish, sour cream and redcurrants. It was delicious.

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